Kuba Family's Journey

Being Bella's Mom

2011-12-12T20:18:00.001-08:00

Being Bella's mom means I live with fear.

I awake every night, place my hand across her chest, to ensure that she is breathing.

Being Bella's mom means I live with the difficult choices I have had to make.

I know that in doing so, people will not understand and that can be lonely.

Being Bella's mom means I live with permanent heartache.

I know that, with our current medicinal science, I may someday have to tell her that she cannot bear children.

Being Bella's mom means I live with sheer terror.

I know that it is quite possible that I could outlive her.

Being Bella's mom means I live with sorrow.

I know we will lose our house, and perhaps experience financial ruin, due to her outrageous medical costs.

Being Bella's mom means I live with disappointment.

I know that I can never move my family overseas as I would have loved, due to the lack of her immune system and the proper care.

And yet...

Being Bella's mom means I get to experience pure joy.

I know what it is like to behold a miracle.

Being Bella's mom means I get to experience raw Faith.

I know what doubt looks like, and I know a God who can handle it.

Being Bella's mom means I get to live in the moment.

I know what it means to truly take nothing for granted.

Being Bella's mom means I get to carry another's burden.

I know what it is like to be loved and cared for by a village, and I will do everything in my power to do the same for another.

Being Bella's mom means I have Hope.

I know that there is more to life than this - on any given day.

Being Bella's mom means I get, well, I get what really matters.

Period.

Just from witnessing her smile.

40

2011-06-05T16:15:00.000-07:00

I will sing
sing a new song...

At the end of this month, I will turn 40 years old. Huh. Wow.

I am going to be honest with you.

I am really okay with it.

In fact, I am kind of excited about it. And I will tell you why.

For one, I have been very fortunate to have had phenomenal mentors in my life. These women were where I am now in life when they mentored me. One woman was starting to pursue her doctorate - with four kids. One woman was launching her music career in L.A. One woman had become an advocate of Ethiopian orphans, and started working in advocacy for deaf children.

And my mom - started a non-profit for women at about the same age as I am now - and well, it has become more than she could have ever hoped for or imagined. And here I am - having just launched Someone's Child and it is already moving faster than I can keep up with!

And because I allowed these women to speak Truth into my life in my twenties and earlier, because I took risks and decided early on that I would live outside of the box instead of spending all my time and energy constructing the perfect box, I can honestly stand before you now and say I have no regrets. I am very grateful for all the people I have come to know and learn from, for all the places and countries I have visited or lived in, for all the education I pursued, for all the hardships I have endured.

I am grateful, that through these life experiences, God refined and transformed me and continues to do so. I have learned that people are way more important than one's pride. I have learned that being a truthteller and being strong must be coupled with grace and mercy. I have learned that it is healthy to avoid toxicity and drama, and to cling to encouragement and non-competitiveness in one's relationships. I have learned that my voice is powerful - and it is okay to embrace that, and not try to squelch it for fear that it might offend or be "too much" for people. I have learned the joy that comes from giving one's life away in the pursuit of advocating on behalf of another. I have learned to be comfortable in my own, unique, beautiful skin.

So, as the 40 is fast approaching, I find myself often humming one of my favorite songs, U2's "40" based on the Psalm. And this is how I plan to embrace this number, this season, not as an ending, but as a beginning.

I will sing...
sing a new song

Sometimes...

2011-03-10T09:04:00.000-08:00

We recently returned from our twice-a-year trip to Lucille Packard Children's Hospital at Stanford. As many of you know, Bella's health the past six months has been laden with sickness, with the coup de gras being a kidney infection.

So, I felt a bit more anxiety than normal this trip. It is the first time we have seen Bella's team since the kidney infection, and I could not help but wonder what damage may have been done.

It turns out that indeed, there has been damage, but not because of the infection necessarily! Let me explain a couple of things about pediatric kidney transplantation.

1. Bella's toxic kidneys were removed and replaced with one adult kidney.

2. This means, a majority of Bella's organs, intestines, etc. were literally re-arranged in order to accommodate an adult kidney (she was 14 mos. when she had a transplant) which is now located in the front of her torso, versus the back where we all carry our kidneys.

3. Kidneys do not regenerate. Once they lose function, it is permanent. The shock of transplantation coupled with a child's heart's inability to pump the proper flow of blood to and from an adult kidney caused permanent damage from the start.

4. Bella's anti-rejection drugs are a Catch 22. They will be a part of her daily regimen for the rest of her life in order to suppress her body's natural desire to reject a foreign kidney. At the same time, a side effect of these very rejection meds is that they are toxic to kidneys, thus very slowly killing off the kidney. This is why her medication levels are monitored so closely and why we have so many blood draws.

5. Having an adult kidney as a child, trying to pump enough blood between a child-sized heart and an adult kidney, having your inner parts not be exactly where they are meant to be and supposed to be means that Bella tires faster, needs more restorative time, needs more nurture, and just needs more period.

Upon review of Bella's kidney, it has come to our attention that Bella's kidney is losing function, experiencing more toxicity from the meds, at a faster rate than we would like. So, we have adjusted Bella's meds as the first means of combating this and hopefully slowing it down. If this does not work, well, let's just not go there yet, shall we?

As you can imagine, this news was very difficult to digest. And, I found myself grieving a bit. Let me explain.

When Martin and I got married, part of our vows were to honor the passions and callings in one another. We planned on spending time living in Martin's home country of the Czech Republic. We planned on me working and traveling on behalf of the vulnerable. And of course, having a family was included in all of that as well.

Then, Bella was born. Our world was turned upside down. And all of the sudden, those passions and callings for me (and Martin, too) were put on hold - indefinitely.

Would I change anything? Absolutely not. Do I sometimes grieve that I am not able to live out right now some of the passions God has placed on my heart? Absolutely. And sometimes...

sometimes I grieve more than others.

It also makes me grieve for Bella. She is starting to understand that she is "different". She is starting to work out all of the horrific trauma that she experienced as a baby. We, as a family, have started to receive insensitive comments from people. And that. Well, that just brings out the mother lion in me.

At the same time, and ever more strongly, I feel a sense of resolve. I feel more passionate than ever to ensure that my daughters feel that their parents think they hung the moon. I feel more convicted about encouraging my daughters in what they are gifted in, instilling them with a sense of purpose. I feel more passionate about ensuring that my daughters become beautiful, compassionate, Godly world-changers.

I am woman.

Hear me roar.

"The Most Wonderful Time of the Year?"

2010-12-14T22:33:00.000-08:00

The Pandora Christmas station is playing. Martin is out picking up Bella from school and Abeni from a friend’s home. On the fridge is Bella’s Christmas countdown. 11 days to go.

I wish I felt “festive”.

I wish I felt filled to the brim with “Christmas Cheer”.

I wish I could sing “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year”

and mean it.

This has been one of the toughest few months for me in a very, very long time.

For one, Bella came very, very close to rejecting her daddy’s kidney that was transplanted in 2005.

Second, I lost a dear friend to cancer.

Third, I sliced right through the tendon in my right pinkie finger and have been in some pretty intense pain.

Fourth, we have to foreclose on our lovely home.

And there is other stuff. It seems that so many people in my life are in very, very difficult times as well.

How I wish I could tell you that I am doing sooo awesome. But I can’t.

Can any of you relate?

The thing is – I learned quite a while back that there is freedom in not being enslaved to circumstances.

There is freedom in not always trying to control my world in order to achieve maximum happiness. Or security. Or stability.

That is where my Faith come in.

Is it a crutch? You bet it is. It has kept me from falling flat on my face (or other regions) more times than I can count.

My faith, as has already been tried and tested, allows me to look ahead with Hope.

My faith allows me to just feel like crap sometimes in the midst of it all.

And my faith is the stuff from which Christmas is made of.

I am going to try and hold on tight to that.

Reconcilation

2010-11-03T10:19:00.000-07:00

It is the beginning of November and I find that I am pulled in a million directions. There are fundraisers for school, homework, play dates, dance lessons, doctor’s appointments, small groups, and on and on and on.

And in the midst of all of that busyness, I tend to get very introspective. I tend to find that my mind demands to be recognized, whether I deem there to be time for it or not!

And in that vein, I have been thinking a lot about a certain path that I was put on in the early 1990’s. A path that lead to the inception of a lifelong journey that seems to continue to have endless spokes originating from one simple, yet profound word:

reconciliation.

For me, especially in the 90’s, this word was most often, but certainly not limited to, racial reconciliation. I found myself immersed in groups like Multicultural Student Fellowship, International Student Fellowship, SOAR (Students Organized Against Racism) and I even received a Masters degree in Multicultural Education and Social Justice. It was, and has continued to be, a huge learning curve for me.

And now, here I am. I am the wife of a Czech man and the mother of an Ethiopian daughter. My family could not be more multicultural, unless, I was Angelina Jolie.

And in lieu of all that I learned and continue to learn, I am noticing a pattern that is a bit disconcerting to me. And our dependence on social media does not help matters one bit.

First, let me share a story with you. One that is really not easy for me to share, as I am embarrassed about it – to this day.

When I was in graduate school, I had the privilege of meeting and spending a lot of time with a group of amazing individuals from Kenya.

One night, we decided to all pile in my car and go to a movie. As we were driving to the movie theater, we were cut off by a car that had a huge sticker on the back of another country’s flag. Before I knew it, this is what came out of my mouth:

“Stupid foreigners!!!”

Yep, I said that. Me. The woman who at the time was co-leading the SOAR group. Me. The woman who had already devoted a decade toward the pursuit of racial reconciliation. Me. The woman getting her MASTERS DEGREE in Multicultural Education and Social Justice. Me.

Well, the silence in the car was palpable.

And then something ethereal happened.

Laughter. And grace.

My beloved Kenyans did NOT let me get away with that comment. Many conversations ensued in the weeks ahead. A lot of forgiveness was asked and even more was given. And most importantly, not one of those dear friends gave up on me, turned their back on me, wrote me off, judged me, and they did not gang up on me and tear me apart. They knew that I am not perfect. They know my life story, where I come from, what my life’s experiences have done to help my paradigm shift in a positive manner and what it has done to hinder it.

And most importantly, they knew and know today that even in my longing, my desire, to be a Woman of Faith who feels called to racial reconciliation, to social justice, to advocacy, to deep and authentic friendships among different races, I am human.

And I will blow it.

As a result of all of this, I get a bit concerned. As a Caucasian mom of an Ethiopian daughter in a predominately Caucasian small town, I get looks. I get comments. I get stares, some quizzical, some disdainful. It can be hurtful.

Everything in me wants to pick up my cell phone, jump on Facebook, twitter to the world about how wronged I was. I want to call out the “racist” individual who wronged me and my child! I want to incite a mob response, getting everyone I know to respond and comment as well about how awful my experience was, how ignorant people are, how enlightened I AM in comparison.

And then I believe God brings me humbly back to that event in the car. With the Kenyans. On the way to the movie.

And I find that, while I am a huge fan of being truthful and letting an individual know that their comment was hurtful and that he or she might want to take a moment and consider why he or she said what he or she said, I am finding that

Grace and Truth make for great sisters to Reconcilation.

We all are human, therefore we ALL have prejudices.

Can you imagine what would happen if we offered people grace more often?

This idyllic and very human woman who has been the recipient of such grace is hopeful at that thought.

The Day Has Come

2010-09-02T20:29:00.000-07:00

It has been over six years since Bella was born, since our life took a very drastic and unexpected turn. It has been over six years since A Sadness entered my soul, and we have come to co-exist quite peacefully.

So much pain, so much sorrow, so much trauma.

As an adult, we are able to work all of that through. That is one of the perks of being an adult.

For Bella, that is not how it works. Her body, brain, emotions, etc. are not fully developed, and due to the amount of trauma all of the above have been through, so much was repressed.

Lately, Bella has been asking about "what happened to her" - why she takes medicine, why she has this big line down her belly, why she was in the hospital, why so many pokes all the time.

We were warned this day would come, and we received confirmation today by a trauma specialist, that indeed it has. Bella has begun to act out in response to the trauma she experienced.

Bella has begun to work through her trauma, which today alone, resulted in three tantrums.

I am fighting tears as I write this. I admit that I hoped this day would NEVER come. I am not sure I am ready to help my precious Bella work through this trauma. I am nervous that the desire in ME to have a tantrum in response to my daughter's suffering will come out! I am nervous that she will suffer emotional pain and I cannot fix it, make it go away, or take it on myself for her.

So, our family begins a new journey. And what a sense of humor God has in the journey beginning a week before school starts.

But this is what I know.

I have watched with my own two eyes numerous palpable, undeniable examples of God working in the life of Bella, and in my life as a result. I have NO doubt that the God whom I serve, adore, wholeheartedly trust,

has got this.

And I believe He has impeccable timing. I believe that He wants our family to work this through with Bella now for a very specific purpose which may or may not ever be revealed to me.

So, we ask you to join us in prayer in the following:

1. That our "team" can find tangible ways to help Bella help herself.

2. That Martin and I would be united in our parenting and patient, gracious with each other.

3. That Martin and I can get some time to renew ourselves in the midst of the marathon ahead.

4. That through all of it, we can shower Bella with love, patience, being slow to anger or frustration.

5. That Bella would receive deep, lasting emotional healing.

Thank you. We will keep you posted as this leg of the journey continues.

How Time Flies

2010-08-23T19:52:00.000-07:00

A week ago, we returned from yet another voyage to Lucille Packard Children's Hospital. This trip was a bit different than those prior for two reasons. One, I had surgery 48 hours before we left, and two, Martin went with me (and mom caravaned down with us after helping with the girls during the surgery).

Our plan was to enjoy a vacation, of sorts, with a little clinic mixed in, thus hopefully distracting Bella from the main reason for our Bay Area visit.

And, how I wish I could say that it worked beautifully.

But - let's not get ahead of ourselves.

The good news is that Bella is thriving - and I do not ever get tired of saying that. Our nephrologist said, as we were preparing to leave, "it is extraordinary that we have not seen you a lot more frequently."

It is extraordinary. It is miraculous. It is a very real and tangible example of how present God is and how He never ceases to surprise us with joy if we allow Him to do so. And even as I type that previous sentence, I must admit to feeling a hint of doubt, which quite honestly, stems from a form of "survivor's guilt".

I have dear friends who lost their son to cancer in between Bella's birth and her kidney transplant. Whenever I look heavenward and and inhale thankfulness to God for Bella's life, for sparing her when there is nothing scientific that allows for her to still be with us, I also exhale remonstration as to why God took Zach home. It is a conundrum to me. It will most likely never be answered in this lifetime.

And yet, one thing of which I am certain, there is no better way to live than in the friction between the explicable and the inexplicable when it comes to faith. It is the perfect formula from which humility and courage, hope and contentment can take root.

So, back to our Bay Area visit and the expectation versus the reality. Because Bella has been so sick, we never experienced the "terrible twos", or "threes", or "fours"...

but we are IN it now.

There is no question that part of what we experienced with Bella that week was her way of working out all the tension, fear, and anxiety that comes with these clinic visits. And I am sure her highly intuitive self could pick up on her Mama's tension around it as well.

And yet, it did not totally subside once we returned home. In many ways, we are glad for this stage, as it proves to us once again that Bella is thriving - she is feeling well enough to be able to push back, vie for her independence.

And at the same time, having a child who goes through a stage meant for a younger age at an older age means Martin and I are in for a unique challenge. We are fortunate to have family friends whose professions are a perfect fit to come alongside us to teach us how to lovingly guide Bella.

We have said it before and I will say it again:

Thank you for being on this journey with us.
Thank you for showing us what Love looks like incarnate.
Thank you for holding up our precious Bella in prayer.

Please enjoy this video below of Bella being, well, unabashedly Bella.

-Carrie

Bella Update

2010-02-23T11:10:00.000-08:00

I have been trying to stay off my computer a LOT more in honor of Lent, but just wanted to thank you all for your prayers regarding Bella, and to let you know what we learned.Bella had her bi-annual clinic at Lucille Packard Children's Hospital (LPCH). When we go down twice a year for this clinic, we are asked to set aside an entire week for any clinics, labs, hospital stays as needed. Bella was due for a biopsy, so we were aware that we very well could end up admitted.Clinic turned out to be better than we could have imagined. The Nephrology Team was very pleasantly surprised with Bella's lab results, how she looked, and all the benchmarks she has hit. It is one of the very few places in life where one is happy to hear "we are so glad we have not seen you here much!". Our social worker told us how rare it is that we have not spent a LOT more time in the hospital.

One very positive outcome of our clinic is that Bella gets to go to every six weeks for blood draws instead of every four. This is HUGE as she has very weak veins and blood draws have to come from her hand (below her knuckle) instead of her arm. They are very painful for her and her hand is very sore afterward.Another positive outcome is that a biopsy has been delayed indefinitely.

There are still some areas of concern. Her blood pressure is low We will be monitoring this more closely than before. It is very stressful on her little five-year-old heart to pump blood to and from an adult kidney.

We are also entering a more common season for rejection. Parents and kids can get more laid back about the intake of fluids, and we need to be very diligent about this in order to avoid those early stages of kidney rejection. Bella cannot go anywhere without a water bottle in tow.

We were reminded by the team that Bella will go into rejection at some point in her life, and to take those early warning signs seriously. We were reminded again of how susceptible she is to certain types of cancer, such as skin cancer, and others I honestly can't remember at the moment.

We learned interesting things. For example, Bella needs to always have a bike with very wide handle bars so that when they are turned sideways, they go around her torso and do not directly lead to to an impact with her kidney (which is now in front - instead of the back - of her stomach). Who knew?!?

So, thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Thank you for the support you have given our family.

Haiti

2010-01-23T20:26:00.000-08:00

is breaking my heart.

I cannot stop thinking about it.

I find myself in prayer often throughout the day...especially on behalf of the orphans.

I have friends who are on their way there now, or are already on the ground. I have friends of friends bringing their sons and daughters home from Haiti.

What more can I say?

I keep coming back to Jeremiah 31:13b

"I will turn their mourning into gladness;
I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow."

Montage of Abeni's 1st Birthday

2010-01-11T13:42:00.001-08:00

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Abeni's 1st Birthday Party

2010-01-11T12:54:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was Abeni's First Birthday party.

What a great time we had! The house was filled with beautiful Ethiopian children, amazing parents and siblings, and amazing friends who have been a support through this journey.

At one point I just stopped and watched all that was going on around me. I, for once, did not feel teary-eyed. i just felt so filled with joy and that rare but wonderful state of contentment.

I looked at the man whom I married - a man who is brave, courageous, loves me and our girls so unconditionally, a man who has stuck with me. This man is one who has never once made me feel guilty that I could not give him more children. This is a man who never questioned for ONE moment whether or not to give his daughter his kidney - even knowing it was life-threatening for him. This is a man who was willing to put his heart out there for a baby he had never met, and now is totally in love.

I watched Bella as she played with her three girlfriends. I watched her help her little sister open gifts. I watched her love being a hostess and making sure all the kids felt welcome and cared for. This thriving, beautiful, smart girl with a compassionate heart was not supposed to live past the age of five.

And I watched Abeni. This beautiful gift who I am convinced has traits like me! This baby girl loving all the attention, already fighting with her BFF over toys, and giving hugs and snuggles to whomever is available to receive one.

How is it possible?

How does one reconcile so much grief in one's lifetime and so much joy at the same time?

I do not have the answer to this.

But I will say - I could not have come this far on my life's journey without God. I know how that sounds - I know it can be such a cliche. I know when I have read statements like that, I have rolled my eyes, too.

Please hear me - I am not saying that I am thankful to God for how He has "blessed" me with my daughters and my husband, although I certainly am.

I am thankful to God for how He has "blessed" me by allowing hardship and grief so that He could knock my socks off by showing me who He REALLY is...His character, the immense freedom I have in knowing Him, and how much He loves me.

And this is why I do not like the words "blessed" and "blessing" because we only use them when something that we and the world perceive as good happens. So much of life's blessings do NOT happen in these moments - they happen in the grievous ones when we are on our knees.

So, as I enjoy my family and its completion, my heart is full and I am enjoying the sweet ride of contentment right here. Right now.

My Montage 1/5/10 at OneTrueMedia.com

2010-01-05T16:16:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas!

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Blog about Blogging

2010-01-01T19:47:00.000-08:00

I am trying to reconcile myself with this whole blogging thing. I am conflicted. There are a couple of blogs I love to read - they are compelling, challenging, and they stretch me. I look forward to them. They are by people who have been given the gift of writing and speaking. They really excel at it.

Then there is a blog like ours. A family blog. A stay-at-home mom writes it.

And there you go.

I know, I know.

Writing is cathartic.

Writing is a form of self-expression.

But why do I feel a need to "put it out there" on a blog instead of just pulling out my beautiful journal from Barnes and Noble that is not subject to public comsumption?

Is it a need to be heard?

Is it self-inflated, self-involved?

Is it taking the place of actual face-to-face conversations?

I do not have the answer to this, and for now, I am going to continue to write and share my life with you.

And if I ever feel I can answer any of those aforementioned questions in the absolute affirmative,
well then,

Adios, blog.

Legact of an Adopted Child

2009-12-06T18:50:00.000-08:00

Legacy of An Adopted Child

Author Unknown

Once there were two women,

Who barely knew each other.

One is in your heart forever,

The other you’ll call mother.

Two different lives,

Shaped to make yours one.

One became your guiding star,

The other became your sun.

The first gave you life,

And the second taught you how to live it.

The first gave you a need for love,

And the second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality,

The other gave you a name.
One gave you the seed of talent,

The other gave you an aim.

One gave you emotions,

The other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile,

The other dried your tears.

One gave you a family,

It was what God intended for her to do.

The other prayed for a child,

And God led her straight to you.

And now you ask me

Through your tears,

The age old question through the years.

Heredity or environment…

Which are you a product of?

Neither, my darling… neither,

Just two different kinds of love.

6 months ago..

2009-11-13T11:28:00.001-08:00

Tsegaye and Almaz put this beautiful, amazing baby girl into my arms for the first time. I will never, ever forget that moment....what it was like to finally hold my daughter.

Abeni Joy - Mama and Daddy are over the moon to have you finally home with us. We have relished every moment.

We love you.

Fall Update

2009-11-07T13:58:00.000-08:00

Oh, where does the time go?

I cannot believe I have not blogged since July. Crazy. So, rather than bore you as I know we all have many, many blogs to read these days, here is a brief update.

Bella::

Started Kindergarten this year! This is a huge milestone for us as, when she was born, we were told "she would be lucky to live 'til Kindergarten". So, as expected, it was a very emotional time for me, especially. We were fortunate enough to find a school with a smaller class-size and a great teacher who has loved Bella and encouraged her in who God created her to be.

We did, however, find ourselves in quarantine for three weeks this Fall due to the H1N1 virus. I am not going to get into all of the controversy about the vaccine, but I will say, that when the Infectious Disease doctors from Lucille Packard Children's Hospital at Stanford (in the top five Children's hospitals in the world, #1 in pediatric transplant) send us a letter explaining the risk involved in H1N1 vs. a seasonal flu, and how, for kiddos like Bella, it is life-threatening. So, we pulled Bella out of school when H1N1 hit, and she remained quarantined for three weeks until we could get the injectable vaccination, at which time we did not have tuna for two weeks to offset the mercury! ;)

Abeni::

She is now just about 10 months old. She has four teeth. She is standing on her own, crawling all over the house, getting into everything, picking up and eating pieces of food on her own, and babbling like crazy.

The crazy thing is that I find myself calling my sister all the time, completely blown away by my baby's brilliance and premature milestones, only to find that she is hitting every benchmark right on time. ;) For us, it is a bit of a conundrum as we have never had a healthy baby before.

So, this is our little family in a nutshell. I will write more later, but for now, here are some pictures of our girls.

Okay...this is it for real

2009-05-08T21:24:00.000-07:00

So, we have packed up the car and we are ready to roll tomorrow at 5am. This is IT! And I must say, I am really excited. I finally feel like I can emotionally enter into this. Martin is feeling the same.

We did find out some horrible news today from our agency. In Ethiopia, some children were brought before the court as "abandoned" children to be released for international adoption. The judge was a bit suspicious, and it turns out he was right. These children were in fact NOT orphans afterall. The Ethiopian Court has now suspended all court dates for International adoptions OF CHILDREN ORPHANED IN ADDIS ONLY indefinitely. This means families who have received their referrals for their son or daughter have no idea when that child will be released to them if their child was orphaned in Addis itself...this is not relevant to orphans outside of Addis as far as I have heard. Usually, from referral to court date, it tales about 4-6 weeks. Horrible.

This is EXACTLY why Madonna's potential Malawian adoption made many of us worried. She tried to skip the entire court process and lawyer her way into an adoption. No wonder these judges are wary.

Please keep all these families, the judges as they seek to be wise about their country's children, and especially the children on your prayers.

We do not know if we will have internet access while we are gone, but hope to try an update a couple of times....keep checking back!

Blessings on your own journeys - wherever they may take you.

-the Kubas

Freedom of Speech

2009-05-08T14:19:00.000-07:00

I left a yahoo group today that was tied with our adoption agency. It was sad for me. There are a few wonderful people there. But it was an integrity thing for me. I do not believe in this whole concept that exists that it is okay to attack people all in the name of "venting". I do not believe that it is okay to use a site to attack the very agency that is helping you grow your family - that you CHOSE from a myriad of options. Of course no agency, no person is perfect - and we all are prone to making mistakes. It just seems to me there are better venues for this - personal blogspots for one! :)

One person commented that all commentary is allowed under our right of Freedom of Speech. I have to say I really hate this reasoning - in pretty much any instance - not just this one. It seems like we are so ingrained in our "freedoms" that we have totally set aside our responsibility to be ethical and show integrity in how we interact with others. Is it really becoming that counter-intuitive to consider others before typing/speaking? And how is it that we were being told we are allowed to "vent" under our freedom of speech but need to be wary of talking or referring to our faith too much in our comments as it could be offensive to those who may not believe the same things? How does one wrap his/her brain around that dichotomy??!! And our adoptive agency is blatantly Christian?!?! :)

I know this is something I am really working on - I get pretty tied up in it on this dang computer and maybe that is why I needed to leave the group. It was just too toxic for me and the person I am trying to become and WHOM I am trying to become more like.

I was excited to get on this site and share our joy of getting to go and pick up Abeni. For the past year, I have been on that site and genuinely been SO excited for every family as they got a referral, passed court, got their Embassy date.

And if a place is needed to vent, so be it. I am choosing to vent with my husband and close friends...not a public adoptive site. No thank you - freedom of speech or not.

2009-05-07T22:19:00.000-07:00

It is time.

We are wrapping things up here - signing our will, last minute errands, phone calls, etc.

Martin and I both vascillate between sheer terror and sheer joy. We have no idea how to be parents of two. Martin is sure feeling the reality of being WAY outnumbered by females in this household, and I can't say that I blame him! Reminding him that the dog is indeed male does not seem to bring any consolation.

I, for one, am terrified about leaving Bella. I know this is normal, but I think it is also tied to her sickness. I remember so clearly those days when I had to leave her hospital bed - if even for an hour. I remember the terror I felt when I found myslef in the E.R. at Stanford (and subsequently admitted) with a blood clot while my baby girl was just a couple floors and hallways away.

Luckily, my mind does not stay there. Luckily, I have seen things that could only be defined as miraculous. I also know that the fear I have experienced in the past five years is palpable, real, should be not be taken lightly. But in the end, I am not a slave to fear. I am free.

So, as I train my thoughts heavenward and as I instead choose to enter into the joy and celebration of this time, my heart is full.

Martin and I have this sense that our lives are changing, transforming, growing, and deepening. And right in the center of all of that - in the arms of Jesus -is Abeni.

Can't WAIT to meet her. Can"t wait for all of you to meet her as well.

Please keep us in your prayers - prayers for peace, safety, smooth travel and transitions, and joy.

Ethiopia, Here We Come

2009-05-03T22:00:00.000-07:00

I have certainly been remiss on this journal.

Well, we are so excited to announce wepassed court on April 16th, and did indeed make the appointment list for May 14th. Basically, this appointment is at the U.S. embassy in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. There, we arrive with Abeni and she is issued a visa to return to the U.S. as our daughter.

So, we are leaving this Saturday, the 9th, for the Bay Area. We will fly out of San Francisco International on Sunday - returning on May 19th. Upon our arrival, we will be driven to a guest house especially for adoptive families. Our little room will even contain a crib and has a playroom and garden. And then - the Ethiopian director of our adoption agency will bring Abeni to us. Can you imagine? I cannot.

I am just a mess of emotions. I am thrilled to finally meet my daughter and for Martin and I to have some uninterrupted time with her. I cannot WAIT to be in ethiopia as I have wanted to see and soak in Africa for more years than I can count. I am absolutely grief-stricken to be away from my Bella for a week and already can barely even say that without breaking down. I went to Target today to get Bella a couple "surprises" to open while we are gone and I was just crying the entire time! Man.

But mostly, I am just so grateful. I am so grateful to God for allowing us this precious gift. I am so grateful that althought this road to growing our family has taken nine years and although we have suffered great, tangible loss twice along the way, we would NOT change the outcome for one millisecond.

Our family is a little piece of heaven on earth. :)

JOY.

2009-03-29T21:07:00.001-07:00

We received amazing news last week.

Sharon emailed to tell us that an Ethiopian through our agency had gone to the court in Addis and advocated on our behalf. Basically, this angel appeared before a judge, explained about the passing of Tigist, and all that our family has endured. And miraculously - the judge listened and his/her heart was softened. As far as CHI knows, this has never happened before.

We have a court date for April 16th. Once Abeni passes court, she officially becomes Abeni Joy Kuba. She is OURS!!!!

At that point, most likely our visa approval date will be May 14th. This is the date that we appear in court in Addis with Abeni.

Our plan is to leave on May 10th - Mother's Day.

We will be in Ethiopia for the week, returning on May 18th.

Bella will be staying with my parents in the Bay Area - so all of our local "family" there, this is where that whole "it takes a village" thing might kick in! :) My mom might need some help!!!

Of course, as with everything in International Adoption, things can change.

But for once - I have total peace. I am content. I am riding a wave of joy.

I believe Abeni will pass court on the 16th of April. I believe we will receive visa approval on the 14th of May. I believe that in about 6 weeks, my family will be together and complete.

I am looking ahead with my eyes open wide, my arms outstretched, and my hair blowing in a soft, beautiful breeze.

Good News, Again

2009-03-02T10:44:00.000-08:00

We heard from Sharon this morning.

We received a referral for a beautiful six week old baby girl. The name she was given is "Yordanes" which means "Jordan River".

She, too, was abandoned to the same orphanage as Tigist. The GREAT NEWS is that she is already at the Transition House run by our orphanage. Yeah!

So, we are reservedly excited.

Overwhelming Grief

2009-02-22T15:48:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday, February 16th, Sharon at CHI called to give us the horrific news.

Our baby girl had passed away on Valentine's Day from sepsis. There was nothing they could do. This is the first time this has happened to CHI's Ethiopia team.

I have to say I have not felt such deep, soul-wrenching grief since Bella was diagnosed at one week old with her Congenital Nephrotic Syndrome.

Even as I write this, almost a week later, I cannot stop the tears from flowing. It is hard to describe, but from the moment I saw Tigist's photo, I was her Mama.

As simple and profound as that.

But grief is not all I have felt, I have also felt quite angry. When we signed a contract with CHI, we were told we did not have to redo our dossier or home study, and yet, that was exactly what we had to do which set us back four more months. We were referred the wrong baby at Christmas time. And now this. I am fully aware that these setbacks were not intentional in any way, but I do wish that CHI would just take some responsibility for their part in it all.

As a result of Tigist's death, we also lost our court date. We will receive another referral in the next week or two, but then again, will have to wait yet another month for a court date.

Very discouraging, to say the least.

So what does one do with despair? Well, you lean into it when needed, and lean out of it with a lot of willpower. I spend a lot of time talking to God, screaming, wailing, all of it. Martin and I are spending a lot of time hugging each other, hugging our daughter, sharing this journey together.

This week at our home group we are going to have a little memorial service for Tigist. We are creating a little memory box for her which will include her death certificate and the address where she is buried. We hope to visit it when we are in Ethiopia this spring. I also continue to pray for her biological mom who abandoned her as I cannot imagine that would be easy for ANY mom to do.

As you may have noticed, we are referring to our baby girl in heaven as Tigist. That was her legal name. Had we appeared before the court, her name would have been changed to Abeni. We are reserving the right to give the daughter we actually do bring home this name and want to honor Tigist for who she is, where she lived and died.

And now we pray for strength. Strength to mourn and somehow, by God's grace, still be able to celebrate that new referral when it arrive. To somehow, by God's grace, be able to embrace this new baby girl as our daughter. That is just something that is supernatural.

As simple and profound as that.

Oh Happy DAY!

2009-01-26T21:30:00.000-08:00

Oh my GOODNESS!

It is absolutely surreal that I am writing this.

This morning, we got the call..."Are you guys sitting down?"

And then it happened.

We are now the proud parents of a 3-week-old baby girl. I am not allowed to give too many details, but I think she is absolutely beautiful. Her name is
Abeni Joy Kuba. Abeni is an African name which means "prayed for and received". Perfect, huh? :)

It looks like we will go to Ethiopia sometime in May.

What more can I say?

Thank you, Jesus!

It finally happened.

Will There Ever be Good News?

2009-01-15T15:30:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we received MORE bad news on the adoption. A few months ago, the wait time between receiving one's referral (getting the call that you have been matched with a child) and traveling to Ethiopia to be there for your court date was about 5 to 6 weeks. We were told yesterday that the wait time between referral and court date has jumped to 4 to 5 MONTHS! Are you kidding me!?!?!?

Honestly, I cannot help but feel bitter right now. I understand that there is nothing our agency can do...there are only two judges within Ethiopia that deal with International adoptions, and the number of parents applying has tripled. However, if we had not run into the rotten luck of two separate bad agency workers, we would have our daughter by now.

And yes, still NO referral. We got a call over the holidays, but it was a referral for the wrong child. They had not read nor updated our file.

Yes, I am well aware of God's perfect timing. I have personally experienced it through a miscarriage, a very sick daughter, infertility, a near death experience myself, you name it. But I firmly believe that I can be fed up, sick and tired of waiting, angry, disappointed, discouraged, sad, grieving, and still know the power of my God and the Hope I have in Him.

The God I know is like a prism. He is not one dimensional. When I look to Him, what I see - what He reveals to me - will look very different than the next person. That is not because He is ever-changing, it is because I am. So, amidst all these emotions and amidst this rocky, bumpy trail of life I experience, I will bring all I am, all I am feeling, to Him and dump it. :) And then let Him do His transformational thing in me.

Lately, it seems Christians are being attacked for being cold-hearted, close-minded, out of touch with reality, judgmental. I invite these very critics to come over and stay at MY home for a week and meet the amazing people in MY life. They just might be surprised.

Referral...

2008-12-16T10:36:00.000-08:00

So, this morning we woke up to a call from CHI. Sharon told me to sit down. Man, my heart was RACING and I felt dizzy. She proceeded to tell us they had a 7 week old baby boy for us.

Wait. What? Oh no.

It turns out our social worker never indicated gender on our home study, thus, they called us with the first baby that met our criterion.

Now, some of you are probably thrilled to hear this and may be shocked to hear that we turned down this referral.

Wait. What? Why?

I am not sure I can explain it in a way that will make sense. All I can say is that both Martin and I were in agreement this morning that we have felt God's absolute confirmation over and over again that Abeni Joy will be our daughter. I am not sure how else to explain it. It's a God thing.

But let me tell you why this phone call brings us great joy. It means we are CLOSE. We are very, very close. Also, Martin said when the call came in this morning, his hear was leaping for joy, as was mine.

I have to say, as of last week after receiving some news that there are huge delays in Ethiopian adoptions and court dates, Martin and I were about 75% sure we were going to give up this whole adoption thing. If for no other reason, this phone call was God's way of saying to us: "Oh no you don't!!". We know that we are not done with this adoption journey - even though the waiting is nearly killing us.

As we head into Christmas, I am really clinging to Mary and how she must have felt as a mother. Her motherhood must have looked NOTHING like she anticipated for her life -pregnant and not yet married, having a baby in a stable, giving birth to God's son, being hunted down by Herod, knowing that this son was hers and yet not, having to give him up and watch him die on the cross.

And yet, never once do you hear of Mary complaining or being anything other than overjoyed knowing that her son is the world's Savior.

Pretty amazing.

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-07T18:36:00.000-08:00

So....where to begin, where to begin. Well, we are now #11 on the list. And as CHI closes for TWO WEEKS for Christmas, it does not look like a referral could possibly happen until the end of January, which means no travel to get a baby until March.

So, Martin and I are taking some time to rethink things. We are devastated, grieving, and really do not understand why it has taken over 8 years to try and grow a family. We have experienced so much.

We know in life that at some point, every person carries a burden with them. Ours may be that we cannot have any more children.

It may be hard for most people to understand why we would not just push through - and not to be rude, but I think if you have not been down a similar road, it is hard to understand.

But for now, we are going to concentrate on enjoying Christmas, maybe have some tough conversations with God along the way, but we are certainly looking forward to celebrating the birth of Christ.

Any Day Now

2008-11-28T21:51:00.000-08:00

That is what we were told last week. It will happen any day now. So, I am cleaning out the baby's room (which in the interim became storage) and looking into flights to Addis.
I am guardedly thrilled....

#20

2008-11-22T21:15:00.000-08:00

We found out we are #20 on the list. And since finding that out, six baby boys and four baby girls have been referred to families. Seems to me we are in a great place and very likely will get a referral by Christmas. It is wierd..this whole adoption process. I have heard people say it is like being pregnant and waiting. Huh. I do not think it is similar one bit. When one is pregnant, there is a due date. So, you mark it with big hearts and circles on your calendar, get those check ups, ultrasounds, etc. You put that first ultrasound pictue up on your fridge. You watch your belly grow, wait for that first kick. There is visual and physical progress. With adoption, there is only patience and the unknown. I cannot buy or borrow baby clothes since I do not know the age this baby will be exactly. I refuse to get the room ready - knowing that there is always a chance Ethiopia could shut their doors to international adoption, or be involved in civil war, etc.

But that is life, isn't it? I think especially lately we are all feeling a bit ansy with the unknown. Will I need to foreclose on my home? Will my job be here tomorrow? How will I afford the holidays?

So as I head into Thanksgiving week, I am choosing to notice and be thankful.

2008-10-28T19:00:00.000-07:00

So. It has been almost two years since we started this adoption process. Yesterday, some friends of ours who started the process after us received their referral for a baby boy. Today, our agency alerted six families of their referrals. And here I sit in my bed with an awful cold feeling very sorry for myself.

And the worst part is - I know better! I know better than to sit here wallowing in self-pity as my husband brings me soup, stayed home from work so I could get better, and a daughter always delivering hugs and kisses and patting my arm telling me "you will feel better soon, Mama".

So, it is time to get over myself and choose to once again pray myself beyond this all-American thirty-something sense of entitlement. It is ugly and far more contagious than the cold I've got.

So It Begins...Two years later

2008-10-20T17:14:00.000-07:00

Adoption Update:

Well, our dossier officially arrived in Ethiopia on May 2, 2008. We have been told that it takes anywhere from 6 to 10 months before receiving a referral (a picture and medical report of a baby girl 0-12 months who has been chosen for us). Last week we received an update from our adoption agency stating that the longest wait (as of last week) by a family for their referral for a child in the same age bracket as we have requested was 5 1/2 months.

And that is exactly where we are right now...5 1/2 months. So, we are choosing to remain hopeful and get excited about the fact that our referral could come any day now.

In the meantime, our I-600A form (the document from the INS that grants us permission to adopt internationally) expires on Dec. 14th. So, we have asked for an extension and pray that is granted before our this original one expires! Honestly, the paperwork just is never-ending!

We are also applying for financial aid to various wonderful organizations designed for adoptive families such as ours. I am sure with the economic downturn, there will be even more competition for those funds, but we believe there is something out there earmarked just for us! :)

We are getting really excited. I am already starting to clean out the guest room a bit and try to visualize what I would like it to look like for our baby daughter. I got really lucky as I went to a model home blowout sale and got an entire, complete set of Pottery Barn crib bedding for $30! Yeah! It is a baby animal theme in soft beige, yellow and sage green. I am thrilled. It also is a great way to occupy my restless, impatient brain to find something tangible to do.

Another interesting thing. Bella has already begun talking about her baby sister - and has named her. She has chosen a name quite uniquely as we know NO ONE with this particular name! Last week in preschool, the class was asked to draw each member of his/her family. Bella drew Mama, Daddy, Bella, Dakota (dog), and baby sister _________. I could not believe it! She is getting very excited and has already made it clear what she wants her role to be as Mama's helper....some of which will need to be re-defined a bit.

So, this blog will be my cathartic place to muse about this adoptive journey we are on. And if no one reads it (besides those family members I bribe!), then so be it. I look forward to sharing this with my daughters in years to come. That is worth it.